So I attempted to write a 'book' called “Mom’s Boxes”. I thought I should document the process of going through my mom’s things, and the boxes she left me. Unfortunately, I had some problems with our computer and it was not saved :(. I thought about trying to rewrite what I had started, but that sounded draining, and I just need some kind of an outlet for the roller coaster of emotions I am going through. So I decided to try out blogging! Maybe sharing my journey will help others in some way.
I decided to start this today because I am in a difficult moment in my life. I call it a moment because it lasts for a few days, and then things move on - as life does. My "moment" is feeling stranded at home every day with no car. Everett (who is my 15 month old son) and I enjoy taking walks and playing outside, but not having transportation to change the scene is difficult. I also know that having this type of stillness causes me to think about my mom, which I go to lengths not to do at times…it is just too painful. Avoiding these feelings I only focus on the immediate. To survive the minute, and the day. I know that I cannot go on this way, and hope by writing I will begin the process, whatever that is.
Right now I am constantly reminded of all the times my mom would rescue me from these moments. I would have told her in a phone call that “I’m going nuts stuck at home” and she would have said “Well get your shoes on and lets go out to lunch!” Typing this I relate to my mom in a new way…and that is one of a mother. I understand the feeling to help your child in any way, be it big or small. My heart is so heavy, I miss her so badly.
My baby’s nap is almost over and I need to wrap up this blog. I have to say I just had a pretty good cry, and I do feel a little better. The loss I feel, and the longing for my mom will always be there…but for the first time I am willing to begin this process to live again, to step out of just surviving.
Brooke
