Minimizing thoughts!

I am in a funk. Yesterday was harder than today. I have read several self help books recently, and I think my brain is a bit overwhelmed. In line with my previous posts, I need to minimize my thoughts! Boy...talk about cleaning out the boxes of my mind!

I tend to think too much, over analyze, and at times over criticize myself. All of it is unnecessary. It is pointless. The past is gone, and the future is unknown no matter how much I plan. I have today. I have this moment. I am touching these keys and words come onto a screen that I can read...amazing. I hear sounds around the house and I feel love around me...incredible! 

Does my mind still race to plan for today? Yes. Do I still think up creative/nutty ideas for a more 'free life'...you betchya! I tend to enjoy future thinking to give me the high of hope...and guess what? That is okay! Somehow it is a balance of my mom's favorite saying "I am who I am" with finding stillness in the moment and just being.

Perhaps my mental minimalist slogan should be "The ego: I am who I am. The being: I am everyone and I am everything." :)

Becoming a minimalist!

I am going to downsize. I am going to throw away all the garbage that we have moved from one home to the next. I am going to look at things more objectively and ask myself "How does this serve myself or my family? Do we really need or use this?". I know some might think a minimalist is extreme or just another wacky idea of mine. While the ladder might be so, a minimalist can vary drastically! Truth be told, I think it is really about a shift in thinking. Labeling our behavior or decisions can helps us be more responsible to the idea, and in that light...I am a minimalist! 

I had to smile when I read my blog in November 2011, two years ago. I clearly have had this idea to blog about going through my things, and documenting the process. Funny thing is I haven't gotten to far since that last blog. Now, however, as a minimalist...I will! ;)

Nothing gets you moving with cleaning and organizing as quickly as the invasion of lice! My daughter was sent home early yesterday from school because of it. I was convinced that I must have it too, however, after hubby combed over everyone's heads, I do not!  BUT...I did start the process of throwing away things we didn't need or use. I have to admit at times I was elated and pumped! Other times I would rationalize if I needed it or not. I might use it, or do something with it. But I knew. I needed to let it go. I needed to stop letting things clutter my life, I needed to clear the way to enjoy life fully. 

Then I got to a hard spot. The real reason why I started this blog. I came across the beginning of a crocheted pattern my mom had started. Unfinished, just begun, still attached to the bundle of yarn. The memory rushed over me. I knew it was time to let this item go. It had not served me. I moved the crocheted pattern and yarn to the kitchen...to hide it...again. A moment later my daughter wanted to hang an ornament she had made on our Christmas tree. I told her I knew what to do. I went to the kitchen and looked at the yarn. My daughter said "no not that"...she had heard me say that before with this yarn...I took the scissors and cut it. The pattern can no longer be continued attached to that bundle of yarn. Now we can use the yarn. I told my daughter that Nammy would never want me to hold onto something like this, and she would want her grandbabies to use it! (And she would definitely want me to get clean and organized!:). I did it. Something small, and the beginning of so much more of this...but still...the beginning. 

I end this blog tonight saying that I feel my mom immensely. Now and always. I know she is with me, and I know she is proud of me. Mom and Minimalist both start with an M...and so does mending. :) 
 

Beginning

So I attempted to write a 'book' called “Mom’s Boxes”. I thought I should document the process of going through my mom’s things, and the boxes she left me. Unfortunately, I had some problems with our computer and it was not saved :(. I thought about trying to rewrite what I had started, but that sounded draining, and I just need some kind of an outlet for the roller coaster of emotions I am going through. So I decided to try out blogging! Maybe sharing my journey will help others in some way.

I decided to start this today because I am in a difficult moment in my life. I call it a moment because it lasts for a few days, and then things move on - as life does. My "moment" is feeling stranded at home every day with no car. Everett (who is my 15 month old son) and I enjoy taking walks and playing outside, but not having transportation to change the scene is difficult. I also know that having this type of stillness causes me to think about my mom, which I go to lengths not to do at times…it is just too painful. Avoiding these feelings I only focus on the immediate. To survive the minute, and the day. I know that I cannot go on this way, and hope by writing I will begin the process, whatever that is.

Right now I am constantly reminded of all the times my mom would rescue me from these moments. I would have told her in a phone call that “I’m going nuts stuck at home” and she would have said “Well get your shoes on and lets go out to lunch!” Typing this I relate to my mom in a new way…and that is one of a mother. I understand the feeling to help your child in any way, be it big or small. My heart is so heavy, I miss her so badly.

My baby’s nap is almost over and I need to wrap up this blog. I have to say I just had a pretty good cry, and I do feel a little better. The loss I feel, and the longing for my mom will always be there…but for the first time I am willing to begin this process to live again, to step out of just surviving.

Brooke